The Weight of It All

I have a phobia of scales.  Just the thought of going to the doctor sends me into a state of panic, and not for the actual exam, but because of the preliminary step of taking my weight.  It is so extreme I put off going to the doctor when really I need to. I know that in the long run this tiny act of stepping up on that scale pales in comparison to the big picture of why I’m there, but I can’t shake the fear-gripping feeling in my gut.  I have read countless articles that boast weighing yourself on a regular basis as one of the best tools to keep your weight in check.  Maybe that works for some, but I am a case where this is not helpful and on the verge of harmful.  I’m not advocating ignoring your weight all together, but this type of obsessive monitoring is part of a bigger problem that leads to a lack of awareness of our bodies and can eventually lead to a negative relationship with food. When we reduce our self to a number on the scale we run the risk of losing a deeper connection to our body.  I realize not everyone feels the same way I do, and maybe you think my phobia is crazy, but this is an issue that exists.  

According to the American Dietetic Association, each year more than half of all Americans try to either lose weight or maintain a recent weight loss.  As well intentioned and sensible as some food regimens are, the majority of them tend to keep us trapped in the physical dimension of existence, ignoring a deeper hunger that dwells within each of us.  Unless we are driven to nourish this place within ourselves, regular disciplined food choices will continue to elude us.  In Hale Sofia Schatz book, “If the Buddha Came to Dinner” she talks about this idea of nourishment as a discipline: “The gift of nourishment is that we have to do it everyday.  We just don’t say: “Well, I don’t feel like feeding myself today.  I think I’ll take the day off!”  Each time we feed ourselves is an opportunity to practice self-love, compassion, and reverence for our spiritual nature. The willingness to engage in this discipline doesn’t mean that a lifetime’s worth of patterns will change overnight.  No, I can assure you that the myriad food choices, pressured schedules, and emotional associations will all be there tomorrow.  That’s okay.  Be compassionate with yourself no matter where you are in your relationship to feeding yourself.”

In a culture where we cannot escape the concept of weight, dieting, portion control, body image, etc. it’s no wonder we have a screwed up relationship with food and our own bodies. We have in essence lost a sense of what it means to be nourished.  There is cause for concern given the more recent rise in obesity rates in America, but with the constant bombardment of weight loss ads, books, pills and regimens it’s challenging to decipher what and how much we actually need to feed ourselves.  How do we know fact from fiction?  When looking for diet and fitness advice there are a few key questions you should ask of the source: Does the author have nationally recognized credentials? Does the product being advertised promise quick increases in physical performance?  If something is extremely expensive or contains a secret ingredient that cannot be disclosed make sure to get more information before trusting the product. Is there data to back up a product’s promise?  Is it too good to be true?  Bottom line, trust your gut.  And remember, there is never a one size fits all solution when it comes to finding the right foods to nourish you.  Be patient with yourself and accept the ups and downs as part of the process of finding a balanced relationship with your food and body.

It would be great if we could trade out our bodies for a newer model with all the features we desire, but of course we can’t.  This is our one body.  This is our life.  Instead of trying to change yourself and live in a state of want, try providing yourself with a loving discipline.  You are the only one that can ultimately take care of you.  Nourish from the inside out. 

Falling in Love

I just recently started admitting to close friends that I struggled with an eating disorder in college.  It has taken a long time to even be able to say it aloud.  I’m still haunted by it.  I still think of all the tricks I used to stay thin and how maybe I could just use a few now to loose a pound or two.  Then I realize this type of thinking is what I have been fighting against and trying to get away from for years.  Why is it still here and how do I make it go away?

It’s hard to define healthy.  As a culture, we are obsessed with image.  T.V., movies, magazines, etc. lure us into this ideal feminine shape that somehow we end up craving and thinking we can have. However, we are all so uniquely different and comparing ourselves to any other person is crazy, foolish even, yet we still do it.  It’s as if we enjoy the self-torture of knowing we can never look like someone else, yet take extreme measures to try.

Deborah Adele speaks about the harm that comes from not loving ourselves in her book, “The Yamas & Niyamas”: Our ability to stay balanced and courageous has much to do with how we feel about ourselves.  [In truth] how we treat ourselves is how we treat those around us.  If you are a taskmaster with yourself, others will feel your whip.  If you are critical of yourself, others will feel your high expectations of themselves as well.  If you are light hearted and forgiving with yourself, others will feel the ease and joy of being with you.  If you find laughter and delight in yourself, others will be healed in your presence.

Love lies at the core of nonviolence and begins with our love of self.  Not a love that is ego-centric but a love that is forgiving and lenient; a love that sees the humor in the imperfections and accepts the fullness of the human expression.  Only when we find this love for all the parts of ourselves, can we begin to express fully the love that wells up inside of us for others.  Finding this love for all the parts of ourselves means we have to forgive ourselves.  Without forgiveness, we carry guilt like a heavy burden around our hearts.  Guilt holds our love for self and others hostage and keeps us bound to a one-sided expectation of the human experience.

I cannot say this enough times.  Our inability to love and accept all the pieces of ourselves creates ripples-tiny acts of violence-that have huge and lasting impacts on others… These attempts to change self, rather than love self, keep us trapped in vicious cycles that we can’t crawl out of…

As silly as it may sound, practice falling in love with yourself.  Just for one day see what it would feel like to love you without any expectations or judgments.  Falling in love is such a wonderful thing—the other can do no wrong.  The loved one is always beautiful and desirable and everyone around the lover also feels the love. Simply become curious what affect falling in love with yourself would have on those around you as well as yourself.  For one day, drop the negative thoughts, self-talk and unrealistic expectations and love yourself.  I give you full permission to be selfish. 

Imperfectly Perfect

Nothing can ever be perfect.  I used to think that was just something people told themselves to have an excuse not to work hard or put forth effort. I didn’t buy into that notion and spent the majority of my early 20’s trying to mold myself into this idyllic image of perfection.  I was willing to do what it took to keep myself thin, in shape, and happy.  For some reason my image of perfection was being thin, in shape, and happy.  I sacrificed my time, my relationships, and my body, treating it as if it was some extension of myself that needed discipline.  I hated everything about myself.  I would have given up everything just to be perfect.  I was consumed.

Sadly, I am not alone.  So many people, especially women, struggle with body image and food issues and fight a daily battle just to accept themselves.  Forget love.  Even today I have to convince myself what healthy really is and that all I can do is my best. I verbally have to tell myself I’m not defined by my body. It sucks, and it’s hard but thankfully I’ve found some useful tools along the way to help me through. 

Along with getting my masters in Nutrition Science a few years ago, I recently embarked on a journey teaching yoga.  I’m surrounded by health issues on a regular basis—something a doctor once told me was natural for girls with eating issues to gravitate towards.  With those words still ringing in my head, I decided to turn the negative connotation into a positive.  Not that I’m teaching yoga or writing this blog to prove this doctor otherwise, but I truly want to make a difference.  As cheesy as it sounds, I genuinely mean it.  I want to share my story so maybe others can find a little comfort and relief from the pressures they feel to be perfect.  Maybe I’m putting too much value on my experience, but I’ve learned that sometimes you have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable, even if it scares you.